School

I have been a lonely, awkward home schooled child for the majority of my life.
For three years my only friend was a girl from my swim team. Then she moved. Then my friend was a guinea pig...Then he died.
But since forever, all I seem to hear from people is, "Wait...So...How are you like social and like stuff?"
At least I don't add like and "and stuff" after every few sentences.

But recently, my mother discovered a school for just home schooled kids. A one day a week thing, and I was on my way to being a normal child. However, I think it's quite obvious I'm never gonna be a normal child. I spend most of my days locked in my bedroom, thinking about unicorns and pokemon. I understand that more than 2.7 million people already do this on a regular basis, but it will never be the definition of normal.
ANYWAYS.

It all started at the oreintation, where I was forced to act even slightly normal and maybe participate in the all-too-social meet and greet with my teachers. It was scary. I was in a giant room, with lots of people...And they smelled like pineapples.

My teachers were nice, and ready to show me what it was like to be a normal child. But the other students were staring at me most of the time. I think they wanted to drag me away and confront me, ask me why I didn't smell like pineapples and why I was not joining in their hug filled, giggling mess of social happiness.
Then I would have to explain how weird I was and how I didn't have pineapple soaps. It was the scariest thing ever, and I could have been mauled or ripped apart limb by limb at any second.

Thankfully, I survived though, and I have lived to tell the tale...

Oh you thought I was done? Oh no. There are still like five paragraphs left.

Because my dad didn't wanna go to my orientation, he took me to my first day of school. My parents left me at my first class, and I started to go crazy. I was alone with the pineapple people.

I survived the first half of the day, and soon arrived at lunch. Now, my lunch room is girls only, which means a half-hour of nothing but slurping, munching, and annoying talk about whatever was for some reason popular to girls my age that week. I did not talk at all, I just listened to the blabber from my fellow females.

I was almost done with my sandwich, but then, a voice shouted from the other side of the room, and my sandwich no longer mattered. The girl took out a large blue box and started talking.
"OKAY GUYS!!! Now. I uh-pollo-gize, if I stink up the room with tuna smell, but THIS....IS MY LUNCH!" From then on, her name was not Sally, or Rachel, or even Maybell Gracie Sue, her name, was Tuna Girl. And for the past few weeks, she only brings tuna and crackers, tuna sandwiches, tuna salad. Doesn't matter. Always. Tuna.

Yep.

A couple months have passed though, and its gotten better. The semester ended yesterday, and guess what? I made friends.
No really. Dorky Homeschooled Kids can make them. Don't worry, I was surprised too.
Every night I look up at my ceiling and I think about my friends, only to go. "Wait did I just say I have friends?" It's both an amazing yet terrifyingly evil concept. I mean...Think about it.
Friends are what people long for so much in life. That and significant others. Trust me. I've had my fair share of wishes for both those things...
Friends are there to help you off your feet when you get pushed down. Friends are there to talk to when you're sad. Friends are there to give you a reassuring smile when you are about to spill your heart out to that guy you accidentally pushed down when you were turning a corner and met lips with last month...

Friends are also there to learn all your secrets, and store them away in a little corner of their hearts and heads, only to pull them out at the most random moments, to either make you feel good, bad, or embarrass you. But if you're anything like me, you can do that on your own, no help needed.

Oh and that push down and lips meet thing...Didn't happen to me.
See? I'm so lonely and romantically awkward, I had to make up some random scenario for this.
And this has really gotten off topic...

I think I hear mousey toys and meowing at night...

That is gonna start soon, I think. Know why?
Because I have a dead cat buried in the woods behind my house.

When I was younger, my neighbor had a cat named Mo. That kitty was the one that sparked my interest in owning a cat.
Also, I had completely forgotten about that cat until about twenty minutes ago.

About an hour ago, my sister said that there were people walking around in the woods behind our house. Normally, this wouldn't bother me. There was always weird crap going on in our woods. It was probably just a deer. I was wrong.
When the Mystery Person returned, my Female Parental Unit walked outside and asked her was she was doing.
She said, "Oh! I used to live in this neighborhood, so I'm burying my cat here."

I'm not sure how "Used to live here = Able to bury dead cats here" makes any sense, but hey. I always wanted a cat.

Except...I wanted a LIVING cat. Not a ghost cat.

Anyways. My condolences to the family of said kitty. It sucks to lose a pet, it really does. May he rest in peace, and may he also not decide to haunt me in my sleep.

(Also, I'm sorry for the oddly funny, yet slightly depressing post for today...)

Just another day in the neighborhood.

Look what I saw yesterday.

"Oh yeah, what a nice road! I enjoy the bush next to it." You might be saying. NO. Thats a fox you see!
His name is Jumpy and he may or may not be a female...

I named him Jumpy because he jumped up on a rock wall that was almost three times his size.  
I think he might be a superhero.

He was adorable the entire time we were chasing him around our neighborhood to take pictures. Even when he tried to eat a squirrel!

I drew a picture to show you just what it was like.

Mr. Squirrel got away, but Jumpy was very determined.
I would've given him some food to make up for it, but I didn't have any squirrel with me. (Sorry Jumpy.)

Jimothy.

Jimothy is my pumpkin. I bought him for a dollar at the farmers market, and he is the most awesome thing in the entire world. Do you know why? Well for one, his name is Jimothy. Like Jim and Timothy put together. For another one, he is a PUMPKIN. Pumpkins are awesome.

And for two more ones, He fits in the palm in my hand, and he is gonna dress up as Sawyer from LOST this Halloween. We don't know how we're gonna get that wig though.

I took pictures of him for size comparison.

Jimothy in my hand.

Jimothy next to a tasty Brand Name Fruit Candy.

Jimothy in the cup holder.

Jimothy on the dashboard of a minivan.

I really hope you understand the smallness of Jimothy, and how amazing he is because of it. He fits in my hand. Do you have any idea how small my hands are? Very small. This is a very amazing pumpkin. He is only twice the size as a tasty Brand Name Fruit Candy.

Jimothy for President.

Forever Alone

It was a happier time. FIlled with slushies, chicken tenders, hamburgers, ice cream, and giant watermelon wedges. Oh, and pool parties every other day.

Ahh...How I miss those days. I don't regret a single one...
Except...There is one day however, that I wish I had re-done.

There was this family, with three extremely tan and tall and cute boys. Everyone had a crush on one of them at some point, and it was my turn. I had already liked the middle child, so since my friend liked him, I decided the youngest who was a year younger then me, named Prince Eric, would be a better match for me.

Prince Eric and I had gotten into a bit of a fight that day. My friend Sara was his worst enemy, and he was hers. Somehow, they were dared to kiss each other as a joke. After they screamed no, Prince Eric told me that if I kissed my worst enemy, he'd do anything I wanted for a week, but would only serve on one day because that was the only day we'd see each other again that week.

So I said that I had never kissed anyone, and he said, "So?"
So, I went to my enemy and told him that Prince Eric dared me to kiss him. He screamed, and ran away.

When I explained to Eric, I told him if he kissed my friend I would be his servant. They screamed again. So eventually, we decided we would both be servants if we both kissed our enemies. Thats when Princess Tiffany jumped in. She said, "Why don't you just kiss each other? :D"

Eric and I had reached a problem. Not only were we looked at each other like we had never heard the term "Kiss each other." before, but we were also thinking about it.

Eric said he would feel bad about it, because he broke up with his girlfriend of ten minutes the day before.
His ex-girlfriend was six or seven, so it wasn't hard to imagine why they had broken up...They just weren't right for each other I guess. And I guess their mac & cheese and chicken fingers dinner date just isn't good enough for her.
Can't blame her though, flies like to hang out in the pool-side restaurant.

Sara and Tiffany encouraged me to do it, they even told me to kiss him in the bushes if we didn't want anyone to watch. But the bushes were behind the fence, and behind the fence had been outlawed by my mother a few days before, and I was already on strike two. If she found out I was back there again, and kissed someone, she'd kill me.

So I said I was fine if people watched, but if he wanted to kiss behind the bushes, Sara and Tiffany would have to make sure Parental Unit #2 was still working the swim meet for me.

We paced back and forth and contemplated the kiss, while sending our friends to speak with each other because we were to nervous to do it ourselves.
Mr. Worst Enemy of mine and friend I don't know the name of told me Eric wasn't sure, because he would feel like he was cheating like his brother Prince Tyler had. I never told my friend because she would've been crushed.

I mentally facepalmed and reminded them Eric was single again. They went, "OHHHHH! YEAHHHH! RIIIIIIIIIIGHTTTTT!" And walked back to Eric.

I finally decided, "Yes. I want to have my first kiss today!" and went up to Eric's friends.
Eric was no where to be seen, and was probably getting more mac and cheese and chicken fingers, I dont know though.
His friends looked at me sadly and said eric had changed his mind. He wasn't going to kiss me.

I walked away with Tiffany and Sara in tow, and sighed.

Forever alone.

---
And yes. I did change the names. Could you tell?

Attack of the Ten Year old Boys.

Swim Meets aren't usually very fun. The buildings we swim in smell of chlorine and other pool chemicals, they are hot, and you can't always tell whether you're sweating or water is dripping off your neck and on to your legs.

The swim meet I went to yesterday was especially weird, and bad...

However, the highlight were the Ten Year old Boys from out of state who placed them selves directly in front of us.

You're probably thinking, "Ten year old boys? Thats not too bad! They are just kids! LOL."

No. OH no. These were not your ordinary, everyday, run of the mill, ten year old boys. These were...I can't describe it...Just...Just read.

At first, they were harmless. Just kids. They were waiting for their turn to swim, just like me. They would probably have DS's and would probably play cards. Because thats what, well, everyone does at meets. Or at least they did back in the olden days, (2010) These boys were loud, and just not what I expected.

They suddenly had some orange game board, but it was like a bowl, no chutes, no ladders, no play money, no little silver hats, nothing. Just a plastic thing on a ring, and metal tops. I call it, the Spinny Thing Game. It has a name....Like Bearblood or something similar, but to avoid getting screamed at by some fancy company with lawyers and money we're calling it the Spinny Thing Game.

They were soooo loud...And soooo into this game...

The game looked like a rip off of a game I played with I was really little with my cousins, and it looked harder, because all you did in that game, was press a button and maybe turn a knob. In Bearblood/The Spinny Thing Game, you had to rip a plastic cord out of another plastic piece to make the metal thing bounce and take out the other metal things until only one metal thing is spinning. (Optional: Count the seconds it takes for said winning metal thing to stop spinning).

Parental Unit #2(Mother) and I watched with both confusion and interest as the ten year old boys played to earn skittles...They weren't even the good kind...They were the weird new skittles that will never be as good as the original. That was when I really started to dislike them.

There about six of them, and they had two games set up. One was 1x1 and the other appeared to be 1x1x1x1, but they varied. The one closest to us was 1x1 most of the game, but that didn't stop the other ten year olds from watching. And seats are hard to find in this place, so what better place to sit then on a nice foot. Thats right. One of them sat on my moms foot.

A few minutes later, a parental unit for one of the boys showed up, and asked if they were annoying us. And because we are too nice, we said no. The loudness and foot sitting was better then shave ice on the beaches of Maui.

My mom pointed out to a fellow parental unit that she had lots of kids, and was also a former teacher. 

The parental unit then told the child unit that the teacher would tell him what to do.

They moved a little bit but it wasn't long until one of them was sitting squished between the wall next to us and my mom. He was pretty much sitting on her lap. We had then started to wonder if we were in the way.

The game got more intense then. The boys were constantly whacking us with their elbows as they yanked on the plastic spinny launcher with more force then actually needed, and getting each other "Disqualified" for touching the spinny thing when it had already stopped.

The boys who got disqualified were distraught, and it wasn't long until wars would break out.

Sniping wars. Yep. Because one kid described one move from his spinny thing as: "Bouncing off everybody's and sniping...I don't know what sniping means in that context, but I'm not sure I want to know...

It was then the heavy country accents broke out. They were both annoying and hilarious...I wrote notes down with speed, ready to document this historic event.

They said things such as: "I was s'posed to stop that!!!" "Okay! HERE WE GO! *rip*"

And my favorite, which was a mixture of rich brat, and country: "GIMME THAT! It's MY GATORADE!!! MINE."

And yes. The bold, italic, underlined text was necessary.

The one who had brought out the spinny game then started to coach the others in the game.

"Do you guys wanna know the secret to winning this game?" He asked.

They all said yes and waited for the secret. It must've been very serious. He whispered it.

Ten minutes later, it was revealed that he had never won that game before.

I don't understand the Spinny Thing Game, but I hear it's an Olympic event.

Reasons to be an Astronaut.

I'm not going to be an astronaut...I don't have the attention span for it, and I don't think they have internet connectivity in space...
So, for all the of the crazy people who can go months at a time without WiFi and have a long enough attention span, I have created a list of reasons why you should be an astronaut, and what you should do as an astronaut.

1. Be able to predict the weather from space.
Should there be windows in the shuttle, or the space station, or whatever, you can do things like this.
"You know Rick, it looks like Kansas is gonna have a storm tomorrow....I think its gonna snow in Wisconsin too." "Thats hail, stupid."

2. Stupid and predictable jokes.
Again with the window thing...When you can see the continent/country you are living in when not in space, say, "Hey! I can see my house from here!"

3. Sing random songs on your way into space.
I'm not talking "A thousand bottles of freeze-dried beer on the wall."(That does sound entertaining though.) No, I'm talking about songs from Spongebob, or even your favorite internet autotune.
The point is, they will be thinking about how amazing this experience is while you'll be thinking about how fast you can sing the "Campfire song song".

4. Lots of buttons to push.
Whether you know what they do or not, they are buttons, and you can push them.

5. Being able to prove someone can hear you if you scream in space.
When you're in space, the logical thing to do is say things like this: "ksssssch. Houston, can I ask you a question?" "Go ahead." "ksssssch. Okay well I was just wondering about the-" this is where you scream at the top of your lungs. "Did you hear that, houston?"

6. Ice cream that doesn't need a freezer.
It doesn't go runny...Ever...

7. Flying.
No gravity means you can fly all the time. If you plan on becoming an astronaut, I would start thinking of Superhero names now.

Books

I remember a few years ago, either this popped into my mind or my mother told me to do it, I decided to write a book.

It was about a girl named Gabby, her sister Tessa, her dad, a hot werewolf guy named Jake, and their Bull Mastiff named Lai, and I'm pretty sure I named Tessa after my sisters dog she used to have.

I remember the beginning of the story where a guy came to their house and told Gabby their mother was dead...About ten chapters later she was proved alive...For some reason I thought that her mother's air force buddies would think this was a funny joke...I soon realized it would never happen, yet I kept it anyways.

I was going through a Jon and Kate plus 8 craze at the time, and the idea of having Jake and Gabby have six kids randomly popped into my mind, and was pure gold... A few were named after friends, a few had names I just lied, and one had some weird werewolf name from an internet generator.

But...How? I had no knowledge of where babies came from at that age, so I needed an excuse, and it had to be good! Then one day, it came to me! "I got it! When a girl gets turned into a werewolf, there is a possibility she gets pregnant!" Plus at this point Gabby was already a werewolf, so it worked. Looking back, it was a stupid idea. This is where my favorite characters came in...Kasey and Corey. I believe they were brothers, but my memory of the writing process is blurry...Kasey and Corey were Jake's best friends, and only pack members. They were also living in a dump, except the exteriror was cool...In the inside? That was a completely different story. Bricks and pieces of wood fell from the ceiling...In my imagination, it looked like a drunk guy had taken a jackhammer, a sledgehammer, and a chainsaw and just went insane...

When it eventually came time for Gabby to have her six kids/puppies, I remembered something crucial...Not only did I have no knowledge of how people got pregnant, I had no idea how they were born. I had hit a wall...I would never finish the story like I wanted, and I would have to simply end my wonderful terrible story by saying, "And Gabby, Jake, and their kids lived happily forever after while Kasey and Corey hunted down the drunk guy that destroyed their house." I couldn't have that happen. And then, my little mind came up with a solution! Gabby would faint, be rushed to the hospital, and then, the kids would appear...Little did I know this would mean that Gabby not remembering it would mean she would've been unconscious during labor, and I'm pretty sure someone would be awake for that.

I remember Gabby putting the kids in their cribs and walking away...Then her mom babysat and one of the kids went through her first werewolf transformation with Grandma not-dead and then she never spoke about it, and Gabby and Jake never freaked out...

But, not long after that Gabby freaked out terribly. Her six kids were now ten years old...And it happened over night. Jake explained it happened to lots of werewolves...He even included it happened to him. About a year later, after receiving and discovering new information, I realized this would be weird, creepy, possibly illegal, and would make Jake a parent at eight years old...I later changed "It happened to me." to "It happened to my little sister."

But I wasn't done yet...No. Not at all...I was in a long-running wolf pack roleplay with my friend over the internet...I figured: "I'll throw a couple of my characters in here! It'll be great!" Thus, Silvermoon and Kyler were thrown in the story. I'm not sure where I got Kyler, but I'm pretty sure I named him after my friends sister...I'm also pretty sure he was dark blue with red eyes...

After that, Jake and Kyler rolled off a cliff...I don't remember how, but Jake eventually came back to life...

I figured, "I'm gonna get this masterpiece piece of crap published someday! I should write a sequel for all the fans I'm gonna have!"

So, I got working on a sequel...It was equally as terrible for the thirty pages I wrote.

Night Time Snacking - Xtreme Steath Style

Your parent/legal guardian/sibling tells you to turn down the volume on your Big Bang Theory episodes on DVD. they say, "I'm going to bed!" you respectfully turn down your nerd fest on DVD and the conversation continues.

"G'night!" "Night ____!"
Thirty minutes to an hour pass...You are now requiring a late night snack...
Tonight, you plan on making as little noise as possible to avoid a SHHHHHHHHHHHH from anyone else awake.
This is where your mission begins.

1. You must first head down the creaky stairs, around the corner, past the bathroom, through the doorway, and into the kitchen...
This part is easy. Once you're down the stairs, you're safe until the kitchen...Day err...Night dream about sandwiches and ice cream...Pudding cups and marshmallow peeps.


2. Good. You're in the kitchen! You're hungry, but idea less...Most of the things in the fridge require a spoon or fork, or a microwave. The beep from the mircowave would probably disturb your sleeping family member(whose bedroom is conveniently placed DIRECTLY ABOVE the kitchen.). You need to work fast, and silent.
This part is kinda tricky...There are those fruit bars in the freezer, but you're not really in the mood...The cupboard door squeaks really loud and thats an automatic SHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, so pudding cups are probably out...The only thing you can think of is those chips on the counter and the salsa in the fridge. Go for it!

3. This is where things usually start to go wrong. Don't think you're doing a good job juuuuuuust yet...You aren't done yet so be careful. 
You've got the salsa, You've got the chips, you've got the bowls. Good. This is where I failed and got a SHHHHH. We didn't have mild, just medium and hot. I can't stand hot, and I didn't check to see if the medium was open. After a very loud POP I continued my mission.


4. If you're eating in the kitchen, forget it, you lose. The crunching of your chips or crunchy snack will get you shushed. If you have a TV room, living room, or something, eat there.
First, pour your salsa if you're eating chips like me, and carry it to your eating place. with a chip bowl. If you don't have a chip bowl and just a bag, leave the bag for now, go back for it later to avoid too much noise.

5. If you got through these steps without a SHHHHH. Congrats! Enjoy your snack!
Should you decide you want to grab your laptop from your desk upstairs, thats another story.
Should you accidentally pour too much salsa and set your mouth on fire trying to finish it all, you should probably have that frozen fruit bar now.

Home alone.

My mother has only left me alone a couple times. I believe today was only the 2nd or 3rd time she did. Last time, I was fine. The only problem is, my eyes keep playing tricks on me!
For example, I watched a movie while she was gone, and whenever the sun moved out from behind a cloud, I'd think someone was standing there staring at me. Was there? God I hope not.
Another example is, and this one happens every time I walk by my bathroom, I think a black dog/wolf-like creature is standing where the toilet should be...

And shadows look like people sometimes too. I'm probably just crazy but really, why must my eyes want to trick me...

And even though it has nothing to do with my eyes playing tricks, I thought someone was breaking into my house when I heard a car going about 70 miles an hour on my street for a few minutes. And everytime I'd hear a noise downstairs, or across the hall even, I'd pause my movie for maybe ten minutes and listen and look around like a Meerkat who thought he heard a vulture. Every once in awhile I considered screaming at the top of my lungs to make sure no one was there...However doing that would just bring them closer to me...And the neighbors would probably call the cops...But what would be their reason? Me being to loud? Or me being attacked? They probably wouldn't care though. While the doctor is whining to his friends about how "hard" he has it and while the other neighbors think about what they'll plant in their garden when the spring comes.

I survived though! I love surviving. Its a great feeling.

Here goes nothing.

I don't have funny comics about how annoying customer service is...
Or quizzes about whether or not you'd survive a fight with big foot...
However, I've done many blogs before, they all failed miserably...One was a news blog for a popular kids website, one had many different stories, including ones about me going to swim meets and me fantasizing over the guy I liked. But this blog will be different. I will be telling stories I find funny of my life. Ones from yesterday, today, and 5 years ago. If I can think of any that is...
And since I have nothing else to really blog about, how about a story of what I went through to create this blog?

--January 26th 2011--
There I was. Reading comedy blog posts I had already read ten times just for fun...How would it feel to be a popular blogger? Probably pretty cool...Maybe I should try...Ya know...I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna attempt to be a popular blogger! But...What would I name it? After what seemed like hours, but was only about half an hour, the generators I was using gave me the greatest name for a blog ever. The Cosmic Fish. Beautiful! Only it needed something else! And there it was on the next generated name..."Official" That was it. That was what it needed.

Alas, I was torn between two titles. The Northernmost Sledgehammer, and The Official Cosmic Fish. Who better to ask then my mother, who was conveniently (It took me five minutes to figure out how to spell that word.) placed next to me. She said The Northernmost Sledgehammer sounded too violent...So Cosmic Fish it was!

After I made my banner/header, the internet went out...Oh well. I'd try again tomorrow...Or so I thought.

--January 27th 2011-- The next morning, it was still out. While my mother and I spent 8 hours shopping for various electronics, we had gone from Router, to Monitor, to Computer game, to Monitor, to USB CD-Drive, to Monitor, to Lunch, to TV, to Surge Protector, and to Monitor again. It was a very tiring day to be honest...By the end of the day we got our monitor and Surge protector. And we got home in time for America Idol too...And only then was I able to get to work on my blog.

--

So, to my readers, (if I have any at all), I promise you, I will have better stories next time we meet.
I'm not sure how to end this so...Bye.